Crazy, Crazy

I was on high school ministry staff for six years at the church I went to about ten years ago.  High school ministry staff was a weird thing back then.  It was "the thing to do" if you were a church kid when you graduated from high school.  Very clique-ish.  You got a lot of publicity.  Everyone knew who you were.  Everyone knew everything about your life.  Everyone dated each other.  Weird, right?  Or, maybe this is what it is like everywhere at any church when you are a staff member of a ministry group - I wouldn't know.  I only know what I experienced.

We had staff retreats twice a year and would go to Sun River, rent a cabin, and live together for a weekend.  The weekend was always full of "team building" activities.  One year, one of these activities was a personality test.  We all took an hour to answer the questions individually, add up the different columns and find out what "box" or quadrant we were in.  Then, we all got together in a big group and told everyone what we had been labeled.  Our names were then written in permanent marker inside a grid so we could all see where we were at.  The purpose was supposedly to learn how all of us were wired differently and how we contributed different things to our ministry group.  Seemed like a good team builder - interesting; fun, even.

The four quadrants were Amiable, Expressive, Driver and Analytical.  How it worked is that everyone had a dominant trait and a secondary trait.  The dominant trait was just that - the way that you responded in most situations.  The secondary trait was what you flipped into when you were pushed, angered or operating outside your comfort zone.  I spent a lot of time answering these questions and took it very seriously as I was anxious to find out what boxes I fell into; I wanted it to be accurate.  I found at the end that my primary and secondary trait were "Expressive."  So, when it came to be my turn I knew that I would say "Expressive, Expressive."  Initially, I didn't see a problem with this.  However, it became clear very quickly as everyone told the group what they had found that my result was not one that would be looked on kindly.  I knew this based on the fact that the Student Ministries Pastor was "Driver, Driver" and my other two male friends that made up "The Trinity," (not kidding, this is what they called themselves), were "Driver" and "Analytical" blends.  Apparently, these were the things to be.

Let me be clear that this public process was not simply saying out loud where you had fallen in the quadrants and moving on to the next person.  A "discussion" ensued after each person took their turn.  A discussion defined by making fun of each other, bringing out specific examples of why this was true/not true, etc.  Loosely speaking, if you were a "Driver" or "Analytical" you were strong and/or smart.  If you were "Amiable" or "Expressive" you were a pushover and/or crazy.  I feared that my answer made me "Crazy, Crazy" and could think of no worse place to be on that grid covered in permanent marker.

I decided to lie.  It looked like this...

"Alright, Jamie Joy, this should be interesting!  What ya got?" said the Student Ministries Pastor.

"Analytical, Expressive," I said sheepishly without making eye contact with anyone.

Silence.  Silence.  Silence.

My heart beat out of my chest.  I knew I was a horrible liar and felt as the silence continued that they all knew I had made it up.  So, I told the truth.

"OK, OK, that's not what I got.  Expressive, Expressive."

Silence.  Then laughter.  Lots and lots of laughter.

"THAT sounds more like it.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  Yes!  Ha, ha, ha, ha!  Yes, you are!" said the Student Ministries Pastor.  "I can't believe you tried to lie your way out of that one!  Ha, ha, ha, ha!  Oh, man!  Jamie, that is FUNNY!"

I sat and laughed along with them, feeling extremely small on the inside.  Verdict - Jamie was emotional, emotional or crazy, crazy or loud, loud or thoughtless, thoughtless.  My shame was hidden but intense.  Finally, the attention moved from me to the next person and I was left with a sick feeling in my stomache.  Always being labeled as the "bad party girl gone good" in this group, I desperately wanted to be respected and acknowledged as having something to contribute to the ministry I was involved in.  Instead, I had very much been type-cast as the girl who had "experienced a lot of life."  The girl they had work with the popular, non-churched girls in the ministry.  The girl they had tell her testimony most often in large groups because it was "dramatic" and "redemptive."  I had a tattoo.  I had a body piercing. I was not a virgin.  I had done drugs.  I was different and always felt alienated and ironically - in this story - put in a box I was not allowed movement from.  Now, I was literally in a box.

My saving grace came when it was my friend, Paul Ramey's, turn to speak in front of the group.  He made direct eye contact with me, said "Expressive, Expressive" proudly, paused - and then came over and gave me a high five.  Paul got the same response I did.  People nodded and talked and laughed about how we were male/female versions of each other and all sorts of "funny" stories came out about the two of us that "proved" we really were what the test had showed.  Again, we laughed and laughed along with them.

I am still very close with Paul and his wife, Mer, to this day.  Very recently I was at their house and the story I just told came up.  He told me that he did some research after that staff retreat and came upon some very interesting things.  He said being prophetic is often-times affiliated with "Expressive" people.  I don't know about you, but when I hear the word "prophetic" I automatically think things like having the gift of being able to see or tell the future to a certain extent.  This is not all this means.  It also means having the ability to speak Truth into people's lives with an unapologetic clarity.  A clarity that has the potential to be deeply grasped and take real root in another's heart.  Another's life.  This is a gift.  When he shared this with me, I smiled.  I believed him.  I could acknowledge there was Truth in what he said.

I have a very strong reaction to people that try to put me in a box even now.  I think one of the most important gifts you can give someone you love is the ability to move, change and grow.  If we aren't allowed this freedom to change, where does grace fall into the picture?  For that matter, what kind of love and respect and forgiveness can we have for others and ourselves if this freedom is not extended to us?  As much as I hate it, I find myself putting myself in a box at times - and more times than I would like to admit I have put people I love in a box as well.  This does myself and others a huge disservice.  We can't love ourselves and we can't love others if/when we do this.  Not really.  People do make mistakes.  We all struggle with our personal demons and natural inclinations towards self-destructive behavior.  But I am a firm believer that everyone can change - everyone is capable of breaking cycles and adopting new, positive behaviors rooted in the heart...the soul.

Who am I?  My name is Jamie Joy and I will be fine in my "Crazy, Crazy" permanent marker box all day long if you love me enough to allow me to figure out that I am much more as well and understand that this in no way, shape or form defines me.